Today is just another day of my continued routine of studying at the local coffee shop/bakehouse, but because my recent studying protocol necessitates the use of my computer, I, of course, have been distracted by the lure of the internet’s social networking capabilities. Further, I really miss everyone, so today’s distractions have proved especially counterproductive. Thus, I thought I’d take a quick moment out of my studying to write a short, semi-apologetic post.
As most of you know, I have my qualifying exams at the end of August and defend the first week of September. While most of the summer has been okay simply because my days have been so dictated by preparing for exams that I’ve had little time to focus for very long on anything else, as the dreaded days are approaching, I’ve been vacillating between focused determination, panic, and resentment. Today added another emotional state, that of sadness. :(
Really, I just miss all of you (which can be further evidenced by my listening today to all of the party playlists I still have from the various house parties we threw back in the day). I had to stop catching up on facebook and people’s blogs intermittently today because 1) I have work to do, but more so, 2) while looking through pictures and updates, I would inevitably almost start crying. Which, by the way, is probably a bad idea in a public location and put me in a poor learning state. (In all fairness, I almost cry way more than I used to. Maybe it’s the stress. Probably it’s just because I’m constantly trying to live in a past or a future in which I’m around my friends and family again).
Anyhow, I know I’ve been completely absent lately (even more so than normal, I think), but I just wanted you all to know that I think about you everyday. My friends and colleagues here are getting tired of how much I talk about all of you and what great times we had and how you’re all so much better than anything Indiana has to offer. Sometimes I love looking at Facebook and whatnot when I get the chance, just to feel like I know what’s up with everyone, but sometimes I try to avoid it because it just reminds me of how much I wish I were a part of what you all are doing and how much I loved and miss being a part of your everyday lives. Not to mention, I’m missing 3 weddings this summer (most notably, Gromek’s) where I’m sure I would have been reunited with many of my friends.
But enough pity party. I love you all and miss you more than you can imagine. I’m so grateful for the times we had together and am blessed to be your friend, even if from afar and even with serious gaps in communication. I’m looking forward to visits and conversations in the near future, as I’m seriously thinking I’ll be heading to Boston for a brief (celebratory, provided I pass quals) visit in late October, hope to see Timmy K. over T-giving again in gloomy IN, Klug over Christmas, maybe San Diego folks in January when I’m there for my conference, and who knows who else after the new year. And, I’m certainly counting on gradually increasing my conversations, skype dates (which, again, I have, but haven’t actually used), e-mails, and fb communications once I can breathe. After all, I take my written exam Aug. 25-26 and defend a week later. If I pass, I’ll be a real person again, and if I don’t pass, well, I’ll get kicked out of grad school and will be looking for a place to stay, so either way it’s a win in terms of our friendship!
The last couple of years have been sort of rough on me, to say the least, and sometimes it’s hard to stay focused and committed to the steps I need to take to work on the issues about which I am passionate in the way I feel called to work on them. So, thanks for sticking with me, and I promise to be more present very soon (5 weeks-ish, to be exact-ish). Until then, I hope the summer, jobs, moves, marriages, and everything else are beautiful. Inordinate amounts of hugs, love, and peace. K.
Miss you, Katie!!
thanks for sending this out! oh, katie, i so know what you’re thinking/feeling. grad school is a personal-life succubus. totally taking away any semblance of personal-life beauty. and while we’re getting these degrees to advance the principles that we believe in and to help us act in ways aligned with our world-views, the time it takes to earn the degrees seem like a wasteland. but it’s not a wasteland! you’re growing so much, in ways you don’t even know! it’s like that story about the guy who god told to push the boulder and the guy pushed the boulder for years and years and the boulder barely moved and he was like “god! wtf?” and god was like “look how strong you are now!” that’s what grad school is like! you’re gaining muscles in places you didn’t think possible! you are missed and loved! add dc to that list of places to visit, please!
Colin, I LOVE that picture of the three of you :) And, I miss you, too!
Bev! It’s always good to hear from you, especially since you and I are traveling on such similar paths in terms of academy wastelands and quantitative analysis :) Thanks for the encouragement, and I will definitely let you know if I have any plans to head to DC!